


not another second

by emptypens



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: After the anime, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banana Fish Reverse Big Bang, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24599515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptypens/pseuds/emptypens
Summary: The pain was getting numbing though, to the point where there was no time and only day or night; to the point where Eiji couldn’t tell if the world was still spinning; to the point where tomorrow was just another day, just another year without him.And he wasn’t sure if he could handle another second more.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80
Collections: Banana Fish Reverse Big Bang





	not another second

**30 minutes.**

It’s 11:30 PM, 30 minutes until tomorrow. Usually, families would be in their bedrooms fast asleep and snoring and rendering the neighborhood silent at those times, but—

“Mama, will the food be ready before midnight? I’m hungry.”

“It will be if you help me out here, Nahoko.”

“Eh, but I have to take care of Buddy! He might get scared of the fireworks.”

“You can leave him with your grandma. Come here.”

—there they were, rushing in, out, and around their houses and doing what they can in preparation for the welcoming of the approaching new year.

Right. A new year.

New years have always been rather exciting, because they could stand as a reminder that you have come so far, and that you have more yet to go through. There was nothing more nostalgic than acknowledging your previous steps and the effort it took as you walked along, and nothing more exciting than discovering the next steps you’re about to take. New years were especially exciting in Japan, with all the shrine visits and the delicious meals with meaning, the cheerful voices of people counting down until the clock struck exactly 12 midnight, and the faint sound of bells accompanied by the booming cheers of fireworks as they colored the night sky.

Despite all of this, however, there was just a rather still yet persistent emptiness present in Eiji’s chest; the hollowness where his child-like heart used to sit in.

The emptiness wasn’t only present in him, following him from when he gets out of bed to when he tucks himself back in, but it was also present in some tangible things. Natto started to taste rather bland. Pumpkins during Halloween felt less funny to look at. And he couldn’t help but think that there was something lonely in seeing dust gather on top of a pile of books, knowing that someone could have dusted them off and cracked them open, reading every word and brushing every inch of the page with the tip of their finger. 

Everywhere he went, he felt like there was an empty space next to him, as if the world reserved it there for someone—someone who wasn’t going to come back.

It was there when Eiji left America. It was there when he came back to the country for a day, too—even when his mother was there by his side the whole day. 

“Eiji?”

Eiji blinked, realizing that he was staring at his mother’s face. 

“You okay?”

There it was. That face she was making.

He must have spaced out again.

Trying to cover himself up, he smiled half-heartedly. “Mhm. Do you need help with that?”

Eiji’s mother nodded as she handed the stack of plates she was holding to Eiji. Eiji turned towards the table, trying to ignore the bothered look on her face. 

It was all too familiar, the way she looked at him. She looked at him the same way for their one-day trip to and from America for the funeral, and basically for the rest of the past two years since his first trip there—with hurt and pity. Of course, as a mom, seeing her eldest son go through such indescribable pain affected her greatly, too.

Eiji hated it because she was always worried, but he couldn’t blame her. He pitied himself, too, feeling so helpless under the seemingly never-ending grief from the loss of a certain friend he held ever so close to him.

* * *

**20 minutes.**

“Agh,” Eiji groaned inwardly, setting his hair aside with slight irritation. 

To save them from the trouble of going to the hairdresser, Eiji’s mother taught him how to cut it short when he was young. Since then, he had been doing it himself. He also learned how to take care of hair—long or short—so that he could take care of his younger sister, Nahoko, who loved to keep her hair long.

“Eiji _nii-chan_.”

But lately, it was the other way around, with Eiji growing his hair out. It had reached the bottom of his nape, and his bangs had grown long enough to obscure his vision, but not long enough to stay tucked behind his ears. 

Eiji turned to Nahoko, who approached him, a hair tie ready on her hand. Sighing and sporting an apologetic look, he faced the other way and crouched for Nahoko to tie his hair for him.

Eiji had learned to take care of Nahoko even though she was rather insufferable sometimes. She was a noisy brat, but that’s how siblings normally see each other anyways, and Eiji loved her nevertheless, so as her elder brother, he knew he had to be responsible over her, as he felt for every person who was younger than him. It was something he developed growing up in Japan, where age was treated as something important. He was proud of this characteristic of his before, but now, it was a thought that he had difficulty digesting, a thought he had difficulty turning to without breaking down in any way, because he felt the same way when he met Ash Lynx, someone who he failed to defend as someone older… And as a friend.

Growing up as an elder brother in Japan, Eiji had brought with him the need to protect those younger than him, so even when Ash was entirely different from Eiji—from the color of their eyes and hair to their nationalities—Eiji still had the urge to protect him, especially that night when Ash opened up to him.

_“Stay by my side,” Ash said as he sobbed, laying his head on Eiji’s lap._

_“It doesn’t have to be forever. Even if it’s just for now.”_

Since then, Eiji had been doing what he wished Ash experienced before as a boy—cook for him, tend to his wounds, talk to him about anything and everything. He even tied up Ash’s hair, taking care of it while Ash read through stacks of books and made intensive reading and research, since his golden locks were long enough to bother him while he did so.

So Ash’s disappearance caused quite a lot of implications—one being Eiji failing to do what he promised himself that he’d do: protect him, as a friend and as his “big brother”, the term Ash loved calling him as a tease. 

...which was why at times where Nahoko takes care of him, even if it was just the simple act of tying up his hair or knocking on his bedroom door to remind him to eat, Eiji couldn’t help but feel guilt churn in his chest. 

Eiji closed his eyes, letting Nahoko tug and comb her fingers through Eiji’s hair, pulling it into a loose ponytail. Some of his bangs still fell to his face as they were too short, but at least most of his hair was held back.

When Nahoko finished, Eiji reached out to touch his hair and check if it was okay, but his fingers barely grazed his raven strands. Instead, he turned to Nahoko, smiling. “Thank you, Nahoko.”

He just couldn’t help it. His hands couldn’t grasp anything, especially Nahoko’s hair or his very own. His hands shiver and shake at the touch, because he couldn’t help but remember that he might not be able to do the same for Ash ever again. That was also why he grew his hair out—because he couldn’t bear the thought of touching it at all. 

He lost grasp not only of his hair but also of reality, which often got him detached from it. He felt like a bird, its wounded wing healed but lost its will to fly.

* * *

**10 minutes.**

Eiji sat by the dining table, watching his family slowly fill it with bentos full of food they rarely eat on a common day. From there, he could hear his family cheerfully chattering away, occasionally chipping off a piece from the food and popping it into their mouth as sneakily as they can. Eiji found himself doing the same thing sometimes, not because he was hungry, but because the world was turning at a pace either too fast or too slow, far from what his brain can comprehend.

He couldn’t grasp the truth properly, that in 10 minutes, it was going to be a new year.

365 days since last year.

730 days since two years ago.

And approximately 750 days since Eiji just arrived in Japan from America; approximately 750 days since he heard the news; approximately 750 days since Ash Lynx died.

Even though it’s been that long, the night he heard the news stayed in his head like a blurred yet brightly colored dream—or a nightmare, rather. Ibe Shunichi, a photographer who hired Eiji to be his assistant as he went to America to do a report on street gangs, called him up. Of course, Eiji found it strange—they just separated hours ago when they left the airport to go to their respective homes. Wondering what was up, Eiji picked it up and—

_“Max called me. Ash was found dead.”_

Ibe was still talking, but Eiji’s head only registered his seven words. Everything around him blacked out right after that, smudged like ink on a drawing ruined by the tears of an artist who lost all meaning of making.

Since then, his mom looked at him _like that_.

Since then, his younger sister took care of him _like that._

And since then, Eiji had been _like that_ , feeling like he was simply floating, with the only thing grounding him to Earth was the count he was making. 

Eiji counted the days since the night he heard the news, because that was when he started wishing for a miracle, that Ibe or Max or even Ash would call him, telling him that he was actually alive and well. He would fly to America at that very moment. He thought about the possibility for so long that subconsciously, he has been arranging his things in a way where they would be easy to pack, with his clothes rolled up messily and his suitcase just lying down beside his closet.

But it has been two years since then. It has been too long, and he gave up wishing a while ago, yet he still kept counting, and every addition to the count still hurt.

The pain was getting numbing though, to the point where there was no time and only day or night; to the point where Eiji couldn’t tell if the world was still spinning; to the point where tomorrow was _just another day_ , _just another year_ without him.

And he wasn’t sure if he could handle another second more.

For approximately two years, his emotions had been all over the place because of Ash’s death, and the way he seemed to be in everything Eiji saw didn’t help—not even a single bit. 

Eiji just couldn’t bring himself to forgive Ash. He couldn’t help but think that everything he fought for went to waste. 

But he couldn’t forgive himself either. Maybe—just maybe—if he stayed just a little longer, Ash would still be alive.

* * *

“Mama! The countdown is starting!” Nahoko chirped, pointing at the clock that was about a minute away from striking 12 midnight. 

Slightly irritated by the ruckus his family was starting to make, Eiji decided to excuse himself—though he didn’t really speak so. He planned to sneak out of the house, thinking that maybe his hot head just needed fresh air, though he doubted he’d get that since it was rather late.

At least he could watch the fireworks from there.

As he stood and headed to the front door, the countdown began.

**10.**

He grabbed the doorknob, pulling the door open. He would have stepped out, if it wasn’t for the huge figure in front of him.

Wait, what?

**9.**

He looked up, and suddenly, the world stopped spinning completely.

**8.**

Before him stood a man who looked just as surprised as Eiji. He had his arm slightly raised, as if he was just about to knock.

**7.**

He was pale and blond, his golden locks only reaching until his ear. He couldn’t possibly pass for a Japanese man—much less Asian.

**6.**

When he shyly smiled at Eiji, his jade-green eyes behind his specs smiled, too.

At that very moment, Eiji felt like his broken heart just dropped to the floor.

**5.**

This man. He knew this man, didn’t he? He was barely recognizable, but... 

The eyes never forget a face that was too familiar.

This was...

_This was..._

“A... Ash...?”

**4.**

The edges of the man’s lips lifted further up in response to the name, and that was when Eiji felt like the world was suddenly too bright to look at, too fast to keep up with his two tired feet.

**3.**

“Happy new year, Eiji.”

**2.**

Eiji couldn’t believe it. 

He couldn’t comprehend it all. 

It felt like the world was pulling a huge joke on him.

He was here.

He _is_ here.

He...

**1.**

“Happy new year!”

365 days since last year.

730 days since two years ago.

and approximately 750 days since Ash Lynx died.

...yet there he was, standing on Eiji’s doorstep, eyes wide with surprise, and face as pale as ever, marked with red in the shape of Eiji’s hand.

Eiji blankly stared at Ash, like he was waiting for everything around him to dissolve, waiting for all of this to reveal itself as a bad dream.

But it didn’t. It stayed.

Fireworks and loud cheering of families continued to ring in his ears. Ash stood there in front of him, stunned. The sting on his hand told him that this wasn’t a dream after all.

He didn’t notice that he was breathing heavily—too heavily. He was panting quickly, and as the sting on his hand subsided, it was quickly replaced by burning emotions in his chest.

Disbelief. Regret. Burning, seething anger.

So many questions.

Too many questions.

Eiji sharply inhaled, readying himself to shout, like a gun cocked and ready to shoot.

 _Where have you been?_

_How could you just disappear like that?_

_How could you disappear for two years and then come back as if nothing happened?_

“H-How—“

But alas, Eiji’s voice cracked. His words left him, and he failed miserably, falling apart in front of Ash just like that.

His eyes were blurring out with all the overwhelming emotions and the tears that he was letting out, but he could have sworn Ash was starting to cry, too.

Underneath his breath, in a voice so soft that it could have been blown away by the wind or overlapped by all the noises, Ash whispered; “I’m sorry.”

No.

Eiji couldn’t forgive him. Not yet.

But he couldn’t stop himself from draping his heavy arms around Ash, enveloping him in a hug so tight, like he was scared that when he lets go, Ash would go away again.

And at the moment, no matter how furious he was, Eiji felt terrified of the thought.

It wasn’t long until Eiji felt Ash’s arms wrap around him, returning the gesture. He felt Ash grab onto his shirt and bury his face on the crook of his neck. All he could hear now was sobbing—from the both of them. 

Warmth.

This was warmth.

He was used to giving warmth but he rarely received, and he forgot what it was like for the past 2 years.

So when they were in this moment, Eiji looked at the night sky, watching the fire flowers bloom and disappear while wishing that this very moment would last long—for as long as he needs, for as long as the two years he spent without it—the two years he spent without Ash.

“Eiji _nii-cha_ —“ 

Nahoko noticed.

She noticed when her older brother walked out of the room before the countdown started. She noticed when he didn’t come back even when it was already halfway through. She noticed the hollow expression he had before he left—it was the same expression he made when he thought he had to quit pole vaulting, when he finally convinced himself that he should let it go, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much it hurt.

Despite the cheerful and colorful day, his big brother was as bleak and gray and empty as ever, so to say that she was worried was an understatement.

—which is why it was such a surprise to her when she heard Eiji cry.

Well, of course, she was also surprised to see the foreign man his big brother was with. She assumed he was foreign. He looked like a protagonist of a bishounen show set in America. He had gold hair and green eyes and he was pale... Why did he have a red mark on his cheek?

Who was he, anyway? 

She hid by the doorway that led to the living room, watching Eiji and the foreign man embrace each other, crying like they haven’t seen each other for two years.

Her brother hadn’t cried that hard for longer than she could remember. He didn’t even cry when he heard the news from Ibe-san. So what gave?

Nahoko watched as the two men pulled away from each other, eyes and cheeks still red and tear-stained. The blond guy smiled at Eiji, gently setting aside Eiji’s long bangs and tucking them behind his ear. The blond then cupped Eiji’s face and—

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Was she allowed to see this?

Eiji and the blond man had their foreheads against each other, looking at one another eye-to-eye. Eiji laid his hand on top of the blond’s and leaned into his touch, as if he was trying to memorize how it felt to be there.

Both of them looked like a mess, probably from all the crying, but they looked rather...content.

And that was when Nahoko decided she saw enough.

She walked away with a smile after hearing their exchange of words, so soft and fragile, like they were the only ones in the world.

“ _Tadaima_ , Eiji.”

“ _Okaeri_ , Ash.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my entry for the [Banana Fish Reverse Big Bang](https://bananafishrbb.tumblr.com) and it is inspired by the [art](https://twitter.com/prologhe/status/1270537389862240258?s=20) of the lovely [andi](https://twitter.com/prologhe). (please check it out and show it lots of love!) 
> 
> admittedly had a hard time because this is my first fic after so long, but i had a blast nevertheless! i'd like to thank agent coop for the experience, as well as andi and scarlett for the support. you guys are great.
> 
> thank you for reading! i hope you liked it. <3


End file.
